We've continued visiting with friends and family, enjoying baths, learning to sleep in chunks, and getting the hang of breastfeeding. A visit to the lactation consultant today confirmed that things are not going as well as we'd hoped they'd be at this point. The good news is that I'm not crazy; in spite of my best efforts, Madelyn is having a hard time getting the hang of feeding. According to the consultant, she is having difficulty "organizing" herself. If this is the case, she comes by it honestly! Both Ethan and I are organizationally challenged, albeit in different ways. Those who know us will tell you that I have the tendency to leave things all over the place (usually in piles) and can be quite scattered and absent-minded (usually owing to the fact that I am thinking intensely about things other than what I am doing at the time...the result being that I put things down and can't remember what I did with them. An excellent example of this is the time that Ethan called me to ask if there was a reason I ran the garlic salt through the dishwasher!) For his part, Ethan can have difficulty with task initiation and punctuality. The teacher in me became instantly anxious that Madelyn's "disorganization" is a precursor of learning disabilities (executive functioning, ADHD, etc.) but I was assured that there is no research supporting a correlation between her current challenges and her learning profile. Though there was some concern in the doctor's office that she isn't putting on weight (only 2.5 ounces this week when it should be about an ounce a day), we have a solid plan now involving a protocol of boob, bottle, and pump. The idea is that if we give Maddy a small bottle first, she should be able to orient herself and get some food in her tummy which will make her less frantic and more likely to securely latch on to breastfeed. Having tried this strategy with success once already today, I am hopeful that we will figure this all out in the end. Quite honestly, the whole situation has been so exasperating and fraught with anxiety that I've been on the brink of abandoning all efforts. No one ever talks about how difficult it can be to figure out, and there are so many varied norms and opinions it's all but impossible to find clarity on the issue and to not feel guilty and conflicted. On the one hand, if I continue to try in the midst of our shared frustration and inefficiency, we both suffer some physical and emotional consequences. On the other hand, if I don't persevere then there is absolutely no chance that we can enjoy a powerful and positive bonding experience in spite of the fact that technology (thank you Medela!) could allow me to supplement Maddy's diet with breastmilk. I know I'm the kind of person that revels in control and immediate gratification; I have the tendency to give up on things that don't come easily to me, and I don't want my impatience to ruin what might otherwise be a deeply rewarding relationship. I'm determined to continue moving forward, at least for the time being, and will heavily rely on the people around me offering support and encouragement. I've heard six-weeks is the magic number. If so...we're half way there!
We took a trip to Rashi today to visit with my colleagues and students. It was incredibly fun to show Madelyn off, and watching others "oooh" and "ahhh" over her makes me feel so proud and ecstatic. That such a beautiful creature belongs to us is a blessing that has left me with a sense of wonder and awe that I am sure I will never fully recover from. And I am continually moved, whenever I hold her little hand or feel her velvet skin, that with one intentional act of love we created her. We made something from nothing. The moment that I looked at her I truly found God. Our daughter will forever be my spiritual touchstone; confirmation that miracles happen every day and that love makes us partners in the most creative and inspired endeavor possible.
I don't mean to wander into pious or mystical musings; I just can't help myself!! I am so totally enchanted and bewildered by the presence of this baby. But bringing it back to a more worldly level, we are still trying to figure out how to negotiate our shifting identities. Case in point: should Ethan really be going to see two Phish shows in Hampton, Virginia this coming March? Or should we be putting that money into a tax-deferred college savings account? Am I being an irresponsible mother if I go get a massage or manicure, or is taking care of myself and honoring some of my own needs as much a priority as taking care of Madelyn? How do we balance who we've been with who we are becoming?
Finally, two of the highlights of this past week (at least for me) took place last night. The first was that I got four hours of uninterrupted sleep (Maddy decided to give me a break from 12-4am!) The second, and much more amusing, was Ethan frantically calling to me as I brushed my teeth before bed. When I turned around to see what the matter was, his face was covered in spit-up. Madelyn decided to regurgitate her dinner and Dad-elyn missed her cues and failed to get out of the way. It gave us both quite a laugh. And the fact that he could have a sense of humor about the whole thing goes to show that this really is true love!
Some pictures from our week...
PS: Happy birthday Safta and Uncle Josh!
1 comment:
You guys all look fantastic! You are doing a wonderful job with the blog. We are really enjoying it. Keep it up if you can. You think you will remember all of these little wonderful things - sadly you can't remember them all. We would love to visit as soon as we can shake this cold that has its grips on us.
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