During Tuesday’s appointment with the pediatrician, Maddy weighed in at 10 pounds 2 ounces. According to the doctor, she is growing beautifully and continues to be the picture of perfect health. I was reassured to receive this news in spite of the lobster-red chafing I noticed under Maddy’s arms as I undressed her. I feel like I keep a pretty close watch on her little body, but this I completely missed until we were under the scrutiny of Dr. Pronchick! I was horrified, but was told it’s a perfectly normal condition to see in skin folds (and the happy news is that Maddy is becoming plump enough to have some of those little rolls) and that some good ol’ fashioned butt-paste would do the trick. It did! Maddy also was a trooper through her first round of shots, and even enjoyed infant acupuncture prior to the appointment for a little immunity boost!
Unfortunately, Maddy also got sick this week. I noticed on Tuesday night that every time I changed her diaper she had a very dry, stony piece of poop stuck to her little tushie. By Wednesday afternoon, she was in a full-fledged constipation crisis and was screaming and crying out in pain. Needless to say, this was a very scary situation. A quick call to the doctor yielded some sound advice (a baking soda bath, Tylenol, sugar water, and prune juice mixed into formula), but also confirmed what I had begun to suspect: my decision to take prescription medications, and the consequent switch in Maddy’s diet from mostly breastmilk to all formula, was the culprit in this most unfortunate development. After witnessing how severely the switch affected her, I made a swift and painless decision to stop my medications and return to nursing. It turns out, in the end, that some choices aren’t hard to make at all!
It’s not just with nursing that I am noticing this. All of a sudden, under the weighty responsibilities of motherhood, I am seeing the world and my place within it in a whole new light. My priorities are shifting, and I realize that I am on the cusp of a major transformation. It’s not that I haven’t embraced my new role and identity, but as Maddy is slowly waking up to her new life, I am waking up to mine. It is an awakening that is curious and sweet and full of uncertainty. Of all the different changes taking place, none is bigger than my impending return to work and the lingering doubts that I have about placing Madelyn in another’s care. I never thought that I would have a hard time going back to teaching, but I can’t deny the sorrow I feel when I imagine spending my days without the baby. A few weeks ago, our childcare provider called to tell us she’d be unable to watch Maddy on the three days a week she was scheduled to take her. However, after a number of different interviews, we found a wonderful woman named Naira who will be able to come to our house to care for her. Naira is an Armenian woman with a young daughter of her own. When she came for her first interview, I had the privilege of meeting both of them. Watching Naira interact with Ani made me feel very confident; she’s an incredibly gentle and nurturing person, and Ani is just about the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen! I know we are lucky to be able to welcome her into our lives when I go back to school, but I am not convinced that my place isn’t at home with “The Boo.” I am so jealous and resentful of the amount of time that others will get with my daughter in my stead!! Certainly for the remainder of this year it’s a moot point; I made the commitment to return to Rashi, and my professional ethics combined with our financial situation make an extended maternity leave impossible. However, as much as I trust that Maddy will be in good hands, I hate the idea of other people spending more time with her than me. I’ve really loved every second of being with her, and I don’t want to miss any more of her babyhood and childhood than I absolutely have to. That said, I realize that much of this is anxiety about returning to work and that I might feel very differently about it when I actually am back in the swing of things. However, I am busy racking my brain to come up with alternatives for next year. If there were a way to make ends meet and stay home, I think I would jump on the opportunity. We’ll see. As with everything, I am trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.
We finished up our six-week group with other new moms and their babies. I am so happy that I connected with these women, and I hope that I have the chance to stay in touch with them and attend additional groups or classes at Isis in the near future. It gave me and Maddy some wonderful time together outside of the house, and I loved having the extra support.
I am looking forward to returning home to Watertown and Ethan when my parents arrive back in Boston tonight. It’s been nice to stay in their house (having a bathroom in the bedroom is a luxury I could get used to!) but I miss the normalcy of life as usual. I am hoping that they will get home safe and on time; there has been an epic ice-storm that’s severely affecting the area, and it’s possible that they’ll experience some flight delays or cancellations. In any case, it’s been a long week and I’m definitely glad it’s winding down.
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