Thus Endeth The Fourth Trimester

This weekend marks the end of a few different things. As Maddy celebrated turning three months old, she officially emerged from what the experts term "the fourth trimester." Basically, this concept encourages parents to think about the first three months of life as the final stage in fetal development, the idea being that human babies are born after nine months in utero because of their size (specifically their head size), but are otherwise unready for the real world. After seeing Maddy mature over the past few weeks into a bubbly and interactive baby, awake and ready to play, we are sold on the theory. This turning point also explains our recent difficulties with sleep...last night being one of the worst on record. Apparently, Maddy is ready for a parent-led sleep schedule. It is clear that she really DOES require us to start with bedtime and napping routines because she is becoming over-tired and cranky as we struggle to figure out how best to accomplish this. Though we've been very good the past week with a bedtime routine (bath, massage, jammies, book, and rocking), Maddy is very unhappy about sleeping in her crib. This is an obvious consequence of having kept her in our room with us hithertofore, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. The hard part is now teaching her that she is capable of getting herself to sleep without our presence or intervention. Though the books I've been reading for guidance on this matter all agree that she is ready for this and will adjust very quickly to sleeping on her own, it has been very difficult for us. For one thing, we ENJOY having her in our room. There is something very natural about the three of us sleeping together at night, and hearing her breathing and being there for her when she wakes up is sweet and comforting. She also is crying a lot at night in her new room, and this is very hard to bear. The anxiety and fear we have...however unfounded...about traumatizing her psychologically is almost intolerable. Of course, none of the books we are reading advocate abandoning her to hysteria. On the contrary, they all suggest that we go to her and comfort her (without picking her up) for brief periods of time to help her understand that we remain a steadfast presence for her at night. Sleep is an important nutrient for her healthy growth and development, and just as we would do anything necessary to get her to eat if she was having trouble, so too do we need to help her to get adequate rest. It's a very challenging time for us all, but I am hopeful that we'll get it nailed down in the next week or so.
Of course, this is all made more difficult by the end of yet another critical period: my maternity leave. Setting aside for the moment how much pain and angst I am feeling over my imminent separation from Maddy, putting her onto a schedule during the day will require the cooperation of all her caregivers (my mother, sister, and Nara). They likely will have their own feelings and ideas about how to best handle Maddy, and I am finding it very hard to cede control to others and trust that they will help us accomplish our goals...even though they are people who I feel very close with. It's hard to know how to handle this situation without causing offense or annoyance. I can only hope as I broach the subject with them that they will understand and appreciate our position. Leaving Maddy is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even as recently as last week I was feeling very nonchalant about going back to school. Now, I can't stomach the idea and cry every time the reality of the situation hits me with full force. This is one of those moments in my life...and hers...that will affect us forever. It is a crossroads, and I will never know what the outcome might have been if we had gone another direction. Of course, Maddy will be entrusted to the care of people who will love her and cherish her nearly as much as we do. But it is not the same...certainly for me, and I have to believe for Maddy. The emotions I am experiencing (made worse, no doubt, by the sheer weight of exhaustion I feel after many nights of little sleep) include: anger, jealousy, resentment, fear, anxiety, guilt, and panic. Mixed in, I admit, is some hope that the transition will be okay and that I'll be very happy with our new life. But, standing on the edge of such change, optimism and faith seem hard to come by.
Anyone reading this who has experience with such things should feel free to offer whatever advice seems appropriate. I'd appreciate it!
On a lighter note, the past 10 days have been a lot of fun. With Ethan being on vacation, we've had quality Solomon time. It's been relaxing and fulfilling to spend days at home reading, playing, and resting. The key moving forward is to make each moment we have together count and to appreciate and honor family time.